i dont know i manage to always screw things up to this state. maybe i'm a jinx to myself, others and anything i do. i'm sure that true. like the cheerleading event and the stuffs i used to be in-charge with. character weakness ? procastinations. dragging my feet too much. i mean like gyl and i finally got over all the fights and stuffs, we were like fine for like what 2 weeks and i just have to start all the quarrelling again. vicious cycle ? it's just me. but for what purpose ? can i just be some simpleminded person and STOP THINKING SO MUCH. IF I THINK SO MUCH I SHOULD BE DOING WELL FOR GP AND ECONS AYES ! ALL THE ANALYSIS AND EVALATION AND I WONT STINK IN AQ. fuck.
but everything is just too late now. and i will miss my baby lots. but seriously, i think he'll be so much better off. no more dealing with bern's moods, bern's weird thinking, bern's craziness, bern being an embarrassment, bern's problems. he can be so happy. he will stop occurring opportunity costs for finding his one true love who will bring him ultimate bliss. everything is all bern's doings anyway.
i'm sorry hushing. i dont know why. but i just cant cry in front of him. then i call you up crying when you already got over your problems. dont worry, i wont drag you down with mine. but really, i dont think he's another alex. cause the fault is mine. i dont know, but i couldnt do anything today. just moped around, depressed. laying on bed, trying not to think but just looking at my phone waiting for his message. it did came. he said, seriously right, how will you feel if someone totally ignores you for a day. only contact you when she feels like it. what the hell do you take me for ? it's like holding me ransom ? do you even know and care about how i feel ? the message too much thing is so sucha lame crappy excuse. there is no such thing.
it sounds stupid but that was i really felt that was why i disallowed myself from replying although i couldnt stand it. i message him too much. i have to message him to pass each day. i cant concentrate when he dont reply. i dont feel fine when he stops replying. isnt all these overboard ? i feel as if i'm oversticky, i'm being despo, etc ? it's like i have changed so much that i dont recognise myself. i did mention to him before, more than once even, but all he ever say and the first question he always askes is the same. SO YOU WANT TO BREAK ? i dont need that. i dont mean that. i dont know. bern is such an insecure bitch. but you know what. you dont have to care anymore. i'm also not gg to do all these anymore. everytime some thing goes wrong, you claim i dont love you, i regret this rls, i take you lightly. is that all i ever meant to you ? is that what you think of me ?
maybe it's my bad karma from the past or something. but i know. after this, i'll never love again. i dont know. am i starting my isolation all over again ? i thought that was over. please, i hate doing this. i hate being alone. but i'll. i'll study. i'll get my 4a's. i'll bring my mum happiness. today, she said i had to choose. whether i'm following her or my dad. my sister obviously is gg with my dad. me ? i dont know. it's true they stopped loving each other long time ago but cant we continue living as a family ? but i'm not true if they ever loved each other. hushing you see, dont envy me cause i'm damn resoluted in not getting married. i'm just a coward, afraid to be like them. marriage is always a graveyard of love. in fact, they got married only because of me, once again bern is a curse. i dont know, gyl knows of the selling the house and the moving thing but i never did told him about the divorce thing. sometimes, i wonder do i tell him too much ? does he even want to know or is interested in knowing them ? my mum thinks so. she says men cannot be trusted. why be dependent on them when you can be independence. why be so stupid when you study hard, be rich you can do anything. so i'm only gg to focus on my 4a's now. i really dont want to care about cheerleading. responsibility ? i just want to hide away. forever.